The Sack Lunches

I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read. Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.

Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a conversation. 'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me. ' Chicago - to Great Lakes Base. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're being deployed to Iraq '

After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached Chicago, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time. As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to Chicago ' His friend agreed.

I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. Iwalked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my armsand squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'

Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best -beef or chicken?' 'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first class. '

This is your thanks.' After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.

Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, and said, 'I want to shake your hand.' Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.

Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand,wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.

When we landed in Chicago I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another twenty-five dollars!

Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-fivedollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.'

Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only give them a couple of meals. It seemed so little...

A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life wrote a blank check Made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.' That is Honor, and there are way too many peoplein This country who no longer understand it.'

(I don't know if this is a true story or not. I really don't care. Point is all too often we focus on ourselves and not others. All too often, we take the little trials of our lives and make them the focus of ourselves, and don't see the others around us. With today's economy in the dirt, we are far too focused on penny pinching to see that a simple act of kindness could change someone's life. I got this from a friend, and I wanted to share it.)

America's Dependence on Foreign Oil

Question. How many US dollars go towards foreign oil per hour? According to http://www.nrdc.org/air/transportation/aoilpolicy2.asp, $13 million is spent on foreign oil per hour. That's $200,000 per minute! Think about it. That is all of our tax dollars going to fund oil from overseas. For Persian Gulf imports alone, we spend over $25 billion each year on oil. Let's face the cold, hard facts. Americans are dependent on foreign oil. This must change.

Americans use about 12 billion more barrels per year than it finds. This is what sends gas prices through the roof. One solution would be to simply reduse gas emissions. This means keeping our tires properly inflated. Low tire pressure causes our vehicles to spit out more gas. This also means driving more efficiently. When the light turns green, don't floor it; go smooth and easy. Also avoid slamming on the breaks. Let off the gas sooner and just let your speed slowly decrease. This saves the brake pads on your vehicle and will end up saving you money.

Between 1975 and 1987, light truck and passenger car fuel efficiency increased 70 percent. Since then, we have been rolling downhill. The overall mileage of our vehicles have been slowly decreasing. Today, it is at its lowest level in 20 years.

One easy way to ease our dependence on foreign oil is to put soybeans and corn kernels in our gas tank. No, not the actual soybean or kernel itself, but soydiesel and ethanol. Yes, I am talking about biofuels. You may have started seeing them popping up all over the country. By using biofuels, we decrease our dependence on foreign oil and use products that are grown right here in the good ol' US of A. This also helps farmers who have built ethanol and soydiesel processing plants. They were hit harder than you think when gas prices started climbing. But when soydiesel and ethanol started showing up around the country, they had more money than they knew what to do with.

Our country is slowly decreasing our dependence on foreign oil. Maybe someday we will not have to depend on foreign oil at all...

The Importance of Election day...

Election Day is an important day to millions of Americans because that is day we elect many of our state reprsentatives and officials. But it is not only a day to elect those officials but every four years it is a day to elect the President of the United States. To many people this means electing not only the person, but what they stand for and believe in and what they will do for our community, our district, our state, and our country. To many people this means electing someone who will meet our needs. So whether it is lowering or raising taxes, decreasing our dependence on foreign oil, or dealing with illegal aliens, Election Day is a day of decision and quite possibly change for Americans.

10 Reasons You Can Tell You Can Show Cattle

1. Your barn has air conditioning but your house doesn't
2. Your calf is more important than your boyfriend/girlfriend
3. The walmart cashier looks at you like you're crazy for buying 20 cans of pink oil
4. Your vacation is the county fair
5. You always have a sire book and catalog with you
6. Your fingernails are black for a week after a show
7. You have more supplies for your cattle hair than your own
8. Your favorite aroma is Final Bloom
9. You have insurance on yourself, your truck and trailer, and your calf
10.Your calf looks and smells better than you do!!

How do these people survive??

ONE- Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets I asked for a half dozen nuggets "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO- The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Wal *Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE- A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE- Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make Five "blank" copies.

SIX- I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich

SEVEN- My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT- Police in Radnor , Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colendar on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

Techinical Difficulties

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out..........

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

Cowboy vs. Bikers

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "I was on atrip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota when I came upon a gang ofbikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave heralone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and mostheavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over,ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$) out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

Two Little Boys

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, wereexcessively mischievous. They were always getting intotrouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boyswere probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to seethem individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacherin the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open, but hemade no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt toanswer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the doorbehind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for breath,replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time, GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

God vs. Science

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create a life out of nothing.

In other words, we can now do what you did in the "beginning." Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting...show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt.

How to clean the Toilet

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually
enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerley,
The Dog

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit...

'May I see the new baby?' I asked.

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when CAN I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

...And then the fight started

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started.

**********************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.

**********************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started.

**********************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''

Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

''My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.

**********************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it...he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started.

**********************************************************

I took my wife to restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?''

Nah!, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,

but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!! 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my butt off!!
9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!

Friendship is like peeing your pants,

everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends,

Then get depressed because you can only think of 4 .

Jeff Foxwothey on Illinois

* If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Illinois.
* If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there, you might live in Illinois.
* If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Illinois.
* If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Illinois.
* If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Illinois.
* If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Illinois.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Illiniosian WHEN:
1. Vacation means going north or south on I-55 for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again.
5. You drive 65 mph through a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car an d know how to use them.
9. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road construction & It's Hot.
12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to a blue spruce. 13. 'Down south' means Missouri.
14. A brat is something you eat.
15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
16. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.
17. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
18. You find 0 degrees a 'little chilly.'
19. You know the difference between corn and soybeans at a glance.
20. You do not consider Chicago to be a part of Illinois.
21. A 'hill' is any landmass higher than 20 feet above sea level.
22. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Illinois friends.

What's not to understand?

Pink Curtains

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics.

Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her, "What sizes do you need?"

She replies "Just 15 inches."

He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?"

She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room. It's for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not have curtains."

The blonde says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got windows."

Redneck Love Poem

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
CAUSE YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

The REAL Midwest

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when big city boys & girls from other states far away from here come to visit or just pass through, we have come up with the following guidelines, so pass them to your distant kinfolk accordingly.

In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list should be handed to each driver entering the area:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your pretty new Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive yours or get it the heck out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. But don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for........................bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegitarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Now isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two ways--Interstates 29 & 35 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit it in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that jsut pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he looks.


Now, enjoy your visit.

Who is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt


NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE

Kenny

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."


Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron...

Oh Well

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fires, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...you know what?''

What dear,' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad buck...'

Speeding in Missouri

1) Good:
A Desoto, MO policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' . . . And a bucket full of money. (And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in St Peters , MO. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3) Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Missouri State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.' He replied, 'Missouri State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car......

Best Blonde Joke Ever!

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . . .




"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Seven degrees of blonde

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FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

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SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The secondone looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

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THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

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FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of State capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

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FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?"Is it mine?"

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SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The Professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "

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SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

Hymn 365

This is a hoot, but I expect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'


Smile , life is too short not to!!
If this brightened your day
Don't let it stop here
Pass it on with a smile
Keep spreading the cheer.


See you at the river.

0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! "

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Who says state troopers dont have a sense of humor?

This really appeared in a Montana newspaper.

In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3am one very cold morning, a Montana State Trooper responded to a call there was a car off the sholder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirroe, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the grar shift into 'drive' and hit the gas.

The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the show, wheels spining. The trooper, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER!"

The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers dont have a sense of humor?

Maybe the best blonde joke ever!

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works Department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her andFill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest,one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An on looker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he said to the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are puttingin to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to haveyour partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wipedher brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

And thats how the fight started...

I rear ended a car this morning...

I could tell it was going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF.

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...

Dog and Cat Diaries

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 am: Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am: A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am: A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am: Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm: Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm: Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm: Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm: Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm: Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm: Wow! Watched TV with my master! Heavenly!
11:00 pm: Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captives have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now..

Bowling Tournament Bus Trip

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blonds and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City. The brunettes rode in the bottom deck of the bus and the blonds rode in the top level. The brunette down bellow was whooping it up and having a good time when one of them realized she didn’t hear anything from the blonds upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the brunette reached the top, she found all the frozen in fear, staring straight out ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette asked, “What’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!” One of the blonds said, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver!”

What do you wanna be when you grow up?

Everybody knows that age-old question that you get asked when you are little; "What do you want to do when you grow up?" This question might seem annoying when you are little but there really is nothing complicated about it. It is so simple. I have recently been thinking about this question more and more as my time in high school comes to a close. I want to be an Agriculture Teacher. No, I think I want to be an elementary education major. Well now I think I have finally figured it out. I want to be and Ag/ Farm Broadcaster on the radio. this came about when I became reporter of my FFA chapter...

Last year (2007), I was elected as my school's FFA reporter. I knew this involved a lot of hard work and dedication and I was ready for the challenge. I began taking pictures, writing articles, and sending out monthly newsletters. As my time as reporter drew to a close, I realized that that was not true. I ran for chapter reporter and succeeded again. It also helped that I was named Top 10 Chapter Reporters in the state of Illinois. FFA is a great organization that "makes a positive difference in the lives of students by developing their potential for premier leadership, personal growth and career success through agricultural education." Learn more about this amazing organization at http://www.ffa.org/.

Relationships

a time for joy
a time for fun
a time for laughter
a time for love

a time to remember
a time to forgive
a time to treasure
a time to relive

a time to hate
a time to regret
a time to cry
a time to forget

Friends

unexpected
reliable
friends
forever

they lift me up
when I am down
they know I am sad
and I dont even make a sound

unexpected
reliable
friends
forever

they make me laugh
so hard I cry
without my friends
I think I would die

unexpected
reliable
friends
forever

precious memories
frozen in time
these are my friends
oh yes, they are mine

unexpected
reliable
friends
forever